2 Broke Girls And the Up and Down
by caramel drizzle
Summary: When Deke returns to reclaim his love for Max, Max starts to feel things again. Meanwhile Han and Oleg try to get rid of a skunk in Han's office.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine. All rights go to Michael Patrick King and Whitney Cummings!

* * *

2 broke girls and the up and down

-When Deke returns to reclaim his love for Max, Max starts to feel things again. Meanwhile Han and Oleg try to get rid of a skunk in Han's office.

"Well it finally happened!" Caroline announced dramatically coming into the diner. "I've hit my bottom."

"You said that about a week ago when that customer tipped you in pennies," Earl said shaking his head.

The blonde ignored him and went straight for the counter which Max was pretending to wipe off.

"Relax, everyone feels that way when they come in here. It's like when Pamela Anderson found out she had herpes," Max quipped.

"I had to take the bus here and sit next to a hipster who smelt like cigarettes and antidepressants. I might as well be Pamela Anderson!"

"Well you already have the blonde hair," she smiled.

"Really funny."

Caroline went into the kitchen to wash her hands that she claimed reeked of road kill and so much sadness.

"See if the doctor can prescribe you Gonadotropins. I heard it helps you make a baby. If that doesn't work just do it all day, every day with no breaks."

The girls rolled their eyes as Oleg walked by talking on the phone in his thick Ukrainian accent. Deciding it was best not to ask Caroline continued to complain.

"We really need a better transportation system. We should get a car!"

Max laughed as if it was a joke but according to her friends face she was dead serious.

"Why pay for a car we don't need with the money we don't have? That's why god invented legs not cars. Lazy bastards."

"Oh what do we have here?" Han asked coming into the back. "Employees doing nothing while the customers serve themselves? What is this the Golden Corral?"

"Han we don't have time to pretend we're going to listen to your complaining. We're going to invest in a car!" Caroline smiled.

"No we are not."

"Oh, relax. I have bigger problems besides hiring broken waitresses. I have a skunk situation in my office, again, and I need someone to help me get rid of it!" Han exclaimed.

"Did you say skunk situation? Oleg asked finally getting off the phone.

"Yes," Han nodded.

"Alright we need red bull, tape, and a lot of lube."

…..

When the girls returned home Caroline started looking for used cars online. Even though Max was against it she still thought it was a good investment. That and anything to keep from taking the bus again.

"Look, I went on and I already found a bunch of great cars. Like this 2001 Chevy Monte Carlo for under 2,000 dollars."

Caroline got up to show Max but instead was interrupted by a loud knock at the door.

"Who could that be this late at night?"

"Maybe it's the grim reaper coming to save me from this annoying conversation," Max yawned.

She went over to answer the door and was pretty shocked by who was on the other side.

"Deke?"

"Max."

"Caroline!"

The two looked back at the blonde simultaneously. She nervously chuckled as he face grew red.

"I'll be over here," she trailed off awkwardly.

"What are you doing here?" Max whispered.

"Can we talk in the hall?"

She sighed but complied with it anyway. They stepped out and Deke quietly shut the door behind him.

"Are you insane?"

"No, but I'm Jewish," he grinned stupidly.

"Look, Deke. When Caroline and I pushed you back to the Upper East Side I planned to never see you again. I was trying to do something nice and give you a better life!" she exclaimed. "See, this is why I never do anything nice. It always comes back to bite me in the ass."

"I came back because I couldn't stop thinking about you."

"I can't take you seriously with that hair."

He sighed looking around the hall. His eyes finally fell on a black bag. He picked it up and put it on his head to cover his hair.

"Better?"

"Yeah, sure!" Max said, he words dripping with sarcasm.

"So I packed my bags and came all the way back to see you. I had to walk which was a bummer but I did loose five pounds," he laughed.

"This is crazy," she declared. "This is not a Katherine Heigl movie. You can't just show up here in the middle of the night…"

Max started to talk but was cut off by his lips on hers. She was caught off guard then quickly kissed back.

"Wait, I'm supposed to be mad at you," Max said pulling away.

"Why?"

"I don't remember."

And with that they continued to make out in the hall, bag still on head.

…

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the Queen of booty calls," Caroline smiled the next day as Max walked into the diner.

The brunette was also all smiles as she strolled up to her with a brand new bracelet dangling from her wrist.

"So are you and you know who back together?"

"You know I don't mix business with pleasure. If you want details you have to ask the new jewelry," she paused putting her bags on the counter. "He bought me because, bitch, we're back together!"

"I'm so happy for you," Caroline said looking through her bags. "Can I keep this?"

"You can take whatever you want."

Caroline took the bags in the back while following Max. She figured she had time to kill since they weren't doing anything important.

"This is like twenty thousand dollars' worth of diamonds. Deke must really love you."

"He only told me fifty times," Max blushed, completely out of character.

"That is not what I thought the lube was for!" Han yelled.

"What did you think the lube was for?" Oleg asked. "Skunks happen to like…"

"Oleg, don't say it out loud!"

"The skunk is still in the office?" Caroline asked rolling her eyes.

"They are much more intelligent than I thought," Han defended.

"There you are!" Deke smiled coming into the kitchen. "You must really love being in the back."

"It depends on the mood," Max grinned.

"The kitchen is for employees only!" Han cried.

"You still haven't grown yet?" Deke asked surprised as Max and Caroline tried not to chuckle.

"I don't need it!" the boss shook his head. "Come on Oleg. At least you have respect for me."

"Right behind you, Gogo Dodo."

"I don't need it!"

"Are you coming over again tonight? If you are, though, I got to clean out my tampon box, again. I ended last week with a serious flow," Deke asked playfully standing next to his girlfriend.

"Aww, there's the gross humor we've been missing," Caroline cooed.

"Or you could come over my place. But if you do I'm warning you that Caroline's a sleep talker."

"I am not!" she said offended then paused. "I am?"

"Someone please get me some tomato juice!" Han yelled coming into the kitchen, again, followed by a pungent odor. "Oleg did the lube thing again and the skunk did not like it!"

…...

"Hey everybody!" Sophie yelled.

She dramatically came into the diner the next day in a floor length gown.

"I'll be in my booth."

"Hey, Sophie. What can I get you?" Max asked bringing her a menu.

"Max, what's wrong with your face?" the polish woman asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You're smiling," she said pointing to her face. "Did you finally kill Caroline?"

"Come on, Sophie. You know it's not the twenty seventh yet," Max laughed. Deke and I are back together."

"The rich one?" she winked suggestively. "Alright, get it, girl!"

Sophie looked around but didn't spot Oleg in the serving window. Usually he was flashing his penis or comparing the food to body parts by now.

"Where's Oleg?"

"Oh, Oleg and Han are trying to get rid of a skunk out of the office. It already sprayed Han so you know he's out," Max replied.

"Oh my, if it isn't the dashing and elegant Caroline Channing walking in with a new fabulous designer purse and heels. I would definitely vote her for best dressed!"

Being just as dramatic as Sophie, Caroline walked in like she was on a runway. While narrating herself she stopped a couple times to pose.

"Really? Because I'd vote you for the first to get eaten on a desert island," Max said rolling her eyes. "And I don't mean the good way."

The blonde was way too happy to let Max's negativity get her down so she brushed it off and went over to her roommate to show her the newly purchased accessories.

"You did not force Deke to buy you these."

"No, Max. I simply pawned some of the jewelry he bought you so I could buy these!" Caroline beamed.

Han and Oleg come out of the office looking tired, dejected, and losing all their dignity.

"Couldn't get rid of the skunk, huh?" Earl asked peeking his head over at the two. "That's the problem with black and white things. They're stubborn and never go away."

"Still?" Caroline laughed going over to them.

"It's too smart!" Han said flinging his hands up. He must be from Korea."

"I graduated top of my class at Wharton. I can handle a little skunk."

She went to the kitchen to grab some grass growing in the corner and a big box with a lid.

"I'll show you how it's done."

They all gathered in Han's office to watch Caroline try to catch the skunk. First she put the grass out on the floor to lure it out. As soon as the skunk came out to eat it she slowly came up behind him and put the box on top of it.

Lastly flipping it over and placing the lid on the box and the skunk was caught.

"See, not so hard at all," Caroline said. "In fact he's kind of cute."

She opened the lid a little to see the skunk but he was already in position to spray and before she could close it the skunk sprayed her right in the mouth.

"Correction, now you've hit your bottom," Max laughed.

Total: $ 1,000


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine. All rights go to Michael Patrick King and Whitney Cummings. Also I do no own Pepé Le Pew Warner Bros. does!

* * *

2 broke girls And the Skunk Slump

-Han decides to keep the skunk as a pet and a mascot for the diner. Meanwhile Oleg has to come up with ideas for his and Sophie's anniversary.

"Today's specials are loneliness and failure," Max said going up to the booth. "What are you in the mood for?"

The gentleman looked down at his menu oddly then back up at the waitress.

"I'll have the tuna melt," he nodded handing her the menu.

"You sure?" Max asked. "I'm obligated to inform you it's probably not tuna."

"Maybe I'll just have the salad instead."

"You sure?" Max asked again. "I'm obligated to inform you it's probably not iceberg but scraps from the local dumpster."

"Do you not want my money?"

"Tuna melt it is," she chuckled as she pretended to write that down.

Max went over to the serving window and handed Oleg the order.

"The customer wants a blue penis?" Oleg exclaimed looking down at the order slip.

"You should know by now penis means tuna melt."

"I thought penis meant egg salad."

"You should know by now penis is for everything," Max shook her head. "Blue penis means tuna melt, black penis means egg salad. Keep up."

…

"Why do we all have to be here?" Caroline asked sitting next to Sophie in her booth. "And why is Sophie here? She's not even an employee."

"If employee means sitting around doing nothing while occasionally going into the walk in freezer to steal cheesecakes the, yes, yes she is!" Han smirked.

"You're just jealous of my new designer sunglasses I got shipped from Hawaii," Sophie smiled pointing to her new shades.

"Maybe…"

"I called you all here to tell you some exciting news!" Han announced.

"What? That you're no longer a virgin?" Max retorted.

"No," he grimaced. "That our new official diner mascot is the skunk!"

The boss proudly picked up the box containing the new "mascot" and put it on the table for them to see.

"I named him Sebastian!"

"I think it's pretty appropriate," Caroline agreed. "Considering we stink because the diner smells like old tampons."

"That's not my fault, Caroline. Blame Mother Nature," Max defended while rolling her eyes.

Oleg came out of the kitchen in his usual not-appropriate-for-a-chef attire. Holding a notebook and a pen, he dramatically pushed his way into the booth next to Sophie which sent Caroline falling to the floor.

"No worries everyone!" Caroline yelled as she tried to regain her posture. "My embarrassment broke the fall."

"It always does," Max nodded.

"Here's the ideas I got so far for our anniversary," Oleg cleared his throat to begin. "Strip club, which ever gender you prefer."

"That sounds nice," Caroline added sarcastically as she sat on a bag of ice on the stool.

"It's really classy but I don't like to brag," Sophie beamed.

"The other options are an expensive dinner spot that provides live entertainment and a simulator you can go into that makes you feel like you're inside a vagina!"

"By live entertainment do you mean strippers?" Earl asked from his cash register. "If so can I join?"

"Why would there be strippers at a fancy dinner spot?" Oleg exclaimed.

"Yeah, that's insane," Max established.

"No, the entertainment is a puppet show about two young lovers who die from having too much intercourse."

"Never mind." Earl shook his head, feeling a little bit uncomfortable. "I just remembered I have a thing at a place."

"Well they all seem really romantic," Sophie started. "I might need a while to decide."

"Take all the time you need. I'll write more."

Oleg got up and rushed to the kitchen to brainstorm new ideas but as he did he tripped over Caroline's stool and sent her, once again, flying to the floor.

"She's fallen more times that Candice Swanepoel on a runway," Earl spoke while shaking his head.

…

"I think I broke my butt," Caroline whined on the couch while sitting on packets of peas.

"You'll be fine," Max reassured.

She handed Caroline a cup of tea to warm up her body then sat down next to her.

"I couldn't move my butt at all once. For a completely different reason but it did get better."

"You also said that a week ago when you 'accidentally' threw that spoon at me in my sleep."

"Yes, and it got better."

Suddenly there was a knock at the door so Max got up to get it. Oleg waltzed in with his notebook and pen.

"What? You came here to hurt my butt some more?" Caroline snapped.

"Please, I'm not interested in your butt," he said sitting down on the chair.

"Nobody else is either," the brunette laughed as she closed the door and sat back down.

"I came here to get a women's prospective of what Sophie would like to do for our anniversary," Oleg explained.

"Oh, and you want to ask me all about romantic things to do on your date?" Caroline inquired.

"What do you know about romance?" he asked.

"I know a lot," the Wharton grad defended. "Like this one time my old boyfriend Timothy and I went on a grand tour of Thailand and afterwards we went on a beautiful hike up…"

"I don't have five years, Caroline!" Oleg exclaimed cutting he off. "I have a week. I came here to ask a classy lady. Max what do you think?"

"Ha! Max has about as much class as a bag of marshmallows," Caroline said while crossing her arms.

"I hope that wasn't an insult because marshmallows are delicious."

Caroline, offended and in pain, got up and grabbed her ice. "I don't need this. I went to Wharton!"

"You went to Wharton?" Max asked with mock surprise. "I literally had no idea."

The blonde gasped and then theatrically slammed the door behind her.

"Ok, now that Days of Our Lives is over," Oleg stared. "Ideas, go!"

"How about you take her to a nice movie. Nothing to sappy that will make her puke but nothing to vulgar that will make her laugh the whole time," Max suggested. "Take her to a nice restaurant then end the night with a bang."

"That is…absolutely genius!" Oleg approved.

He swiftly wrote down Max's ideas then got up fast as lightning to hug her.

"This is going to be wonderful."

"I do what I can," she shrugged modestly.

Once Oleg left she sat down on the non-cold side of the couch.

"I'm a genius," she laughed taking a sip of her beer. "Try telling that to my mother."

…

The next day Han and Deke were talking about the new mascot when Max and Caroline walked into the diner.

"I don't know if Sebastian is a good name for a skunk," Deke refuted sitting across from Han. "How about Scott?"

"I was thinking more on the lines of Sabino! Sabino the skunk!" Han cheered.

Caroline rolled her eyes as she went into the kitchen to put her coat away. Max went up to her boyfriend and lightly kissed him on the lips.

"Oh, hey Max," Deke grinned but then quickly got serious. "Can you please tell Han that Sabino is not a good skunk name?"

"Well he wants to name him Scott! Scott the skunk? I don't think so!" the boss hollered.

Max sat down next to Deke while she thought for a moment. Then a light bulb went off at the top of her head as she snapped her fingers.

"How about Pepé?" Max gasped. "You know like Pepé Le Pew!"

"You are…a genius!" Han declared. "You get a raise!"

The short diner owner happily skipped to his office while wearing a grin bigger than the Cheshire cat.

"If I had a dollar for every time someone called be a genius I would have, well, only two dollars but at least it's something!" Max announced proudly.

"You know how our anniversary is coming up?" Deke asked turning to face her.

"Of course I know," she chucked nervously. "You haven't been taking notes from Oleg, right?"

This time it was Deke's turn to laugh unconvincingly.

"Of course not," he spoke apprehensively. "That's a really nice shirt. I'm going to…go buy one just like it. Bye!"

He ran quicker that the flash out the door leaving Max dizzy and confused. As Deke went out Sophie strolled in wearing a small peach dress and a very big hat to match.

"Hey everybody!" she greeted walking up to Earl to get a menu.

"My, my, Sophie. Aren't you as bright as the sun," Earl smiled handing her one.

"Oh, Earl. You make me smile," she blushed. "Well, I'll be in my booth!"

"Sophie!" Oleg exclaimed coming out of the back. "Here are my new ideas. I came up with them all by myself."

"What?" Max vociferated.

"Aren't I a genius?" Oleg grinned as Sophie went through the list.

"Great, now I only have one dollar!" Max said crossing her arms as she watch the polish woman nod at Oleg's last statement.

"I love them," she proclaimed. "I love them so much we're doing them today!"

"We are?" Oleg stuttered. "But then what will we do for the actual anniversary?"

"You'll just have to come up with new ideas!" Sophie yelled. "I'll be in my town car!"

Oleg waited for his wife to exit before hastily going up to Max.

"You'll help me come up with new ideas, right?"

"I'm sure you can think of some new ones. You know like how you came up with all those other ones. All by you," Max said bitterly.

"Fine. I guess I'll have to ask Caroline…" he pouted.

He slowly walked away with his head hung low. He was just about to reach the cash register when Max stopped him.

"Ok, I'll help!"

"You will?" Oleg asked whipping around.

"Yeah, I mean I'm mad but I don't want your anniversary to be ruined. I'm not a monster."

"Hurry up, Oleg! We don't have all night!" Sophie yelled from outside while honking the horn.

"I'm coming! I had to get the bag of sex toys for after the restaurant!" Oleg called back while grabbing the black bag with the contents and heading out.

As Oleg went out Deke came back in wearing a man's version of Max's shirt.

"I thought you were joking," Max said as she hopped off the stool to go over to him.

"Nope, that would be lying," he smiled.

They leaned in to kiss but were interrupted by a loud crash coming from the kitchen. The couple quickly came apart and looked at the swinging door.

"Max!" Caroline hollered. "I think I broke my butt, again!"

"Did your embarrassment brake your fall this time?" Max shouted back.

Total: $1,030


End file.
